Memorial Day Musings

lE

Eli turned 12 over the weekend! He would NOT be pleased about me saying this, but my baby has grown up! Frankly, it's a bit hard to take that he will be a teenager next year, but I've found as a mother this is a fun phase. Self-sufficient with a great sense of humor and brains which were only created from the extreme recesses of the gene pool, leaving us to question how this came from us? We've determined adoption was necessary, because we don't think we could have created this again. He's my content child only upset if he doesn't have enough down time. So our day was relaxed while he tried to understand why a cell phone is definitely not necessary as a birthday gift at this stage in his life just because EVERYBODY has one. 

While we relaxed on the holiday Monday we remembered the real reason we had the day off. I make a point of telling my kids to remember freedom is a gift that is a result of the sacrifices made by others. 

She is loved, she is great, and she is thriving...

As life maintained its frantic pace this week my thoughts were elsewhere. Every year I remember May 14th, and my thoughts drift to a place and time for which I have little information. As a adoptive mom of a child from China you never completely reach a place of contentment about not knowing the circumstances of the day your child was found, however you reach a place of acceptance. Sidney was found in Hospital No. 3 in Chenzhou by a security guard. This is the closest bit of information we have related to Sidney's birth family. 

That day has gone through my brain thousands of times, trying to find the words that allow me convey my thoughts. The problem is nothing can adequately portray something as tragic as the circumstances which forced someone to make this decision. It's horrific that she had an illness for which they could not treat according to our paperwork, however it makes the story easier to explain to Sidney. "You were sick, and they were trying to get help, so you could feel better and have a doctor to help you with your fingers." For now she's satisfied with the story and has few questions. I relish her simple understanding, because I know it won't always be that easy. The tough stuff is coming. We continue adding onto the story as she gets older.  

I still ponder what her birth parents might think about her life here. Accepted with her anomalies as no different than any of the other kids in her class. She is not warehoused in a place where her special needs are considered something that makes her intellectually challenged. Instead of being ostracized most people don't see what's visible, because she first overwhelms with her very outgoing nature. Could they comprehend what freedom means in her life? 

So on May 14th I will probably always think of them and wonder if they are surviving and wondering what ever became of this beautiful little miracle. Thankfully, I am content God has those answers. 

Back From Hiatus

A free day! Maybe that was a bit dramatic; however Tom will tell you my work life balance needs adjustment. I squeeze work into pockets of the day, and you can see from the last time I posted the pockets are getting longer.  This has been a very positive personal change. Now to figure out how this is all going to work out over the summer months. It will take serious structure.  The first two weeks from what I have observed the last two summers are very rough. My sensory girl needs each day to play out in an almost Groundh*g Day like fashion. She fights the change, and typically old behaviors resurface, but it doesn’t impact us any more than the phases we are experiencing with a sometimes moody preteen.

For all practical purposes, we are seeing a Sidney that is the best she’s ever been. That being said, it’s important to stay grounded in the reality this will change. I recently read a great article called “Trauma Doesn’t Tell Time.” Before I confuse everything said in the article, I suggest doing a simple search and finding it. It talked about “Physical and implicit memory.” Because Sidney can’t physically remember what happened, her environment and body sensations trigger her. It explained how this is stamped on her brain. It’s always a relief to find information that specifically talks about the impact of neglect.  None of this is to say that we have lowered our expectations of Sidney or her behavior. Simply put, it’s awesome to find resources that deal specifically with what we are experiencing.

When I was reading the article, I kept thinking of all the ways it relates to everything about Sidney but more specifically hunger. I read the books before we came home. I was prepared for issues of attachment, but like so many other parents I was under the assumption that once a child understands there is food, they start eating, and we go off into the sunset. Not so much. This is another part of her prior life that she can’t let go. She still goes to bed at night with crackers. We can replace them for four weeks straight, and she never touches them. The night they are gone she will come downstairs immediately and ask. She’s terrified to go to sleep if they are not physically there. If we say something is gone like her favorite fruit apples, we immediately respond by saying, we will go to the store to get more. 

This also occurs when she goes into a new situation. Our girl scout troop visited the police station last week. It was dinnertime. She had a large snack after school, so there’s no way she was hungry yet. Tom was grilling at home, and she saw him prepping the food as we told her we would eat immediately following the short outing. We live in a town of less than 6,000 so a 30 minute tour takes about 35 minutes with drive time. As we walked across the street into the station, I saw her pull a small package of candy out of her pocket. I told her to hand it over, and then the look I know so well washed over her face. She hates sweet food, so it wasn’t that she simply wanted candy. It was the first thing she could grab before we left. Midway through the tour, she came to me making sure it was still there and asking for some. I pulled her into the hall and repeated my mantra, “You will NEVER be hungry.” We were home once, and I told her the same thing, asking if she trusted me. Her response was no. Knowing what I do, I can’t blame her.

I share all this, because it’s like I have shared so many times. When we were waiting to bring Sidney home I knew what to expect the first months and even year home. It’s what happens in the later years that I was curious about, and I could never find information that detailed what parents experienced. So I will continue to share as I have time and hope that my small (okay very small) group of readers continues coming back! 

Six!

I have a six year old! Sidney typically starts planning her birthday in October. True to form the mothers of her classmates were almost looking at me expectantly the days following her birthday. After all she was planning a big party. However Sidney forgot to tell her friends SHE was planning a big party. I had planned on having her invite some friends, however we need to figure it out. My crazy husband thinks we need to invite all 19 kids from her class. After all Eli had his entire class. Is he remembering this correctly? Unfortunately yes.

In other events Eli is almost ready to make his onstage debut next weekend in Annie. Eli’s a pretty simple kid. As long as he’s not hungry or overtired, has an available area to hang out with intermittent Mincr*ft, and isn’t being nagged to practice his trombone, all in all he’s a content kid. Sometimes we like it when he pushes himself outside his regular routine. We were surprised when he told us he wanted to participate. His teacher told us the music teacher came to her needing people to take roles and the schemed together. They were ready to have to convince him if necessary, however he agreed immediately. That’s only because it wasn’t his mother asking. I would have been met with a resounding no!

The same conferences were for Sidney. She is doing well in all respects. Frankly, I think her teacher is more perplexed than I am. Let’s face it our kids are completely outside of the box. Couple this with the fact that Sidney has sensory issues, and she’s struggling a bit with reading which is really no surprise considering there was no literacy the first part of her life. I can share this because her teacher will never know, however I think she was taken aback that I wasn’t upset when she told me she had never seen a child with her specific set of issues. She has issues retaining site words or immediate knowledge. Of course never being one to leave any stone unturned when it comes to my kids, I have started researching learning to read with her sensory issues. Many things are becoming clearer, so as I learn I will share. If anything I write can help another parent in my situation it’s worth it.

It’s off to another week!

Lion Tamer

I’ve many times talked about Sidney’s VERY outgoing nature. Timid is not a word I will probably ever use to describe her. She’s friendly to everyone and somehow kids seem magnetically drawn to her. I remember when I put her into preschool the first year, my fear was that her physical makeup would be the source of negative experiences. How was I to know that two years later in kindergarten the girls would fight over who was going to play with her?

Last night her kindergarten class did a circus. Appropriately, Sidney was the lion tamer. By the way, I have no idea what being a lion tamer has to do with wearing a straw hat, but this was her costume so we’ll go with it. Smiley Sidney (her stage name) lead the lions (two boys from her class) through a series of feats like jumping through the flamed hoop. Or this case jumping through the hoola hoop with orange fabric tied around it. And true to form, she was the first act. At the end, each group of acts sang a portion of, “Take Me Out to the Circus” to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ballgame. Unfortunately, one of the lions took ill last night, and there was one shy little boy that approached the microphone with Sidney. No problem. Sidney’s vocals more than made up for any volume lost. Everyone she encounters agrees it’s this outgoing attitude that makes a person completely forget about her hands and foot. In so many ways this is an answered prayer.

I’m typing and hoping I’m not hearing the same noise I heard a few days ago. There was a stirring in the living room closet. It wasn’t our old cat Ralph creaking around. I was up working and thought the coffee hadn’t kicked in, so I thought I was hearing things. Not so much. Out of the corner of my eye a small creature streaked across the living room. I texted Tom the following words, “There is a mouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come down immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tom stumbled out of bed and went behind the chair searching for the vermin. No luck. Tom expertly set a trap with peanut butter. I am a grown woman, and I’m not proud of this next part. I was so afraid of the mouse that I removed my work from the general vicinity and never returned to the living room instead working from the kitchen all day. I finally came back in when Tom came home and declared the creature dead. With all the foot traffic in and out of people picking up cookies, we think the little critter snuck in.

So that’s my week in a nutshell. This weekend will be relaxing and cleaning. This was only after last weekend when we went to the waterpark with Tom’s parents. Sidney took one look at the splash pad and said, “That’s for baby’s,” heading for the waterslides. She went down every single one of them by herself. Of course, dad went down first and caught her at the bottom. It’s amazing how sweet he was with Sidney. At the end of our little weakened hiatus, he convinced me it would be a good idea to get on the double raft and go down the waterslide with him. Nobody ever told me that when two full grown adults get in, the speed picks up rapidly. Eli tells me the entire waterpark heard me screaming, “I HATE THIS!” 

And I'm off to my Saturday.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Despite the fact that I am MORE than ready for warm weather
I thought it was beautiful a few weeks ago. 

I was talking with someone one day about Sidney’s outgoing personality. It’s impossible to have time to notice any visible special needs. She’s such an outgoing girl that her infectious personality typically overtakes a person before they have the time to think about looking at her hands or foot. Her ability  using her hands also makes it difficult to notice. We don’t typically dwell on it although she does ask sometimes why she has to be different. I think that’s probably pretty normal.

Think twice before agreeing to be the cookie mom!

That being said, it’s not very often that we see her truly feeling down about an encounter she’s had with another child in regard to her hands or foot. A small overly curious girl in church has become bothersome, asking about her differences each Sunday. Once she grabbed her hands. Believe me, I let it go on (as Tom’s mother used to say when she was alive) about one hot minute before I call her off. Her brothers are also completely awesome stepping in and carrying on talking to Sidney without a care in the world. We are instilling in her that it’s her right to tell the girl to get away, that she’s invading her space, to use Tom’s line (a shark bit off the other two). Sorry, we have a solid sense of humor in this house.

Super Sidney!

I knew with Sunday coming it was a good time to remind her she has the right to tell her to go away or whatever she feels comfortable doing. I also reminded her that her best friend Zoey was going to probably be there. She loves spending time with her, so she immediately perked up. I said, “She’s a good friend isn’t she.” Her response gave me an indication of what she has faced when I’m not there in school. “She never asks the hard questions.” I had to choke back the knot in my throat.

I’m so grateful for friends who are simply her friend. There’s no discussion of why she’s Chinese and all the other kids in the school outside of a couple of African American kids are all Caucasian. There’s no conversation about why God created her with three fingers. Instead, their time is filled with talk about being old enough to have a sleepover, fairies, and examining one another’s clothing (I fear the teenage years).

Okay I can’t write anymore. That thing is happening since it’s close to 9PM where my eyes are getting heavy, and I know any second my heads going to start bobbing backward, jerking me awake!

Cookies...

 I just got done tromping around the neighborhood selling Girl Scout cookies with Sidney out of a sled. Many blocks and unshoveled walks later, we went back home seven boxes lighter. This might not sound like anything to brag about, but if you could have seen how many houses had nobody home, it might be easier to understand our victory. Plus the fact that it was such a fun thing to do with her. It was a balmy 20 degrees, finally warm enough to be outside safely. This weekend also entailed Eli participating in his first band contest playing his trombone. So you know I’m not a tyrant, I understand Eli is only in sixth grade. I will spare you the details, however it was a time his father and I had to let him fail to learn a lesson.

Apart from cookies sales and tough love, Sidney is going to start getting additional help with reading for 30 minutes a day from a professional that comes into the school. I was pleasantly surprised when her teacher commented that a lack of early literacy can have a great impact when a child is first learning to read. Typically when I explain something about Sidney in relationship to her early experiences and how it impacts her daily life, the person does one of two things. Either they look at me like I’ve grown a second head, or they say, “Yeah but she was so little then. Certainly that shouldn’t have an impact now.” I also explained to her teacher it’s probably only been about a year and a half that we could get her to sit down for a book.

My take on the situation is she simply needs more time. And as I said to my mom on the phone this weekend, I can’t compare her skills to other kids, because she hasn’t had a past that parallels any child I know.  This isn’t rocking my boat much, because I know her incredible growth and development considering where we started. It doesn’t matter the situation biological or adoptive (and I have an opinion because I’m mothering both), our kids don’t come with a guidebook. Plus, my gut tells me at some point it will simply click. Her teacher has talked about a second year of kindergarten, however I think if she’s bored, it’s going to be more opportunity her to get feisty. She’s doing very well in math and science, so it’s a balancing act. Thankfully, as my friend reminded me the other day, we don’t actually have to make a decision until next August, and so much can change in between.

I’m off to another week and hopefully someone doesn’t find me buried under an avalanche of cookies. I forgot to mention not only are we selling them, I am the cookie mom. That’s another post entirely.