Eli turned 9 this week. Every birthday seems surreal. 9 years have passed since he was born, and much of it was in fast forward. Sidney is unhappy it's not her birthday. Tears and drama ensued until I was able to convince her each person much take a turn. Our talk about her birthday was simple by comparison to the other conversations over the last week. I am so happy I am the mommy helping her to understand her story. While her past is not an indication of her future, I want her to have an appreciation of its relevance in molding her life. 

I hadn't been downstairs to drink coffee, in my normal routine. I was incoherent and a bit out of it. “Go to China mommy?" Repeatedly, last week I heard the same question. This time her tone was different. Something was brewing in her head. She wasn't satisfied with my typical answers. I can't tell you exactly how the questions lead up to "why?" Ultimately, she asked why did I live in an orphanage and why China? She is smart beyond her 3 years. She is searching to understand as much as her three year old mind allows her to comprehend.

 

I found a simple way of explaining. As much as it tears at my soul to tell the story, I found a way. I fully believe she understood everything I told her. I am tired of the misconception small kids understand nothing. It has been my experience, they understand much more than we give credit.

This conversation was a reminder, there are circumstances and realities, I will never face or endure as a mother. Circumstances and realities her birth parents and family certainly still face. Nobody is telling me how to determine my child's fate or pressuring me to make a decision. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't consider what life is like for Sidney's parents. I will never know them in this life, but I always pray they find peace and sense her wellness. 

I also think of all of this as opportunity makes a way for Sidney in the world. She will start a summer program for preschool. It is only four weeks and introductory, but it is opportunity. It is all parents the world over want for their children. I watch her take this step with so much appreciation for what we can and will continue to do in her life.